Monday, December 20, 2010

Like being sucked down a black hole...

That is what this month has felt like. I need to say this one more time, then you will just have to know, I LOVE CHRISTMAS. I probably love it too much. I want to fill our time with it. I love tradition and non-tradition. I love the new and the old. We eat, we drink, and at our home we are Merry!

BUT I AM BEING SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE OF NON-HEALTHY! I swear I can't win, not even for trying. For the last three weeks our evenings have consisted of AT LEAST 6 out of 7 nights having some sort of major event in which our family has to dawn our December best. Our gracious hosts always offer delicious treats, and if they don't, well dinner on the run will have to do.

I fixed dinner at home tonight in the first time longer than I can even remember.

My body is suffering for it. I have actually gained weight the past 3 weeks, ugh! I really do hate the thought of that. I must confess it, or I am going against my weight loss beliefs that you must confess what is really happening, so here it is, oh God, this will hurt...

Since my dad passed away 6 months ago, I have gained 20 pounds. That's a lot. The gain has been slow up until the past two weeks. I usually gain some weight around this time, so I am praying that when I finish falling from the tree (January 1st), that I will only have about 10 pounds to get back off.

I think this is a sad time of year also. It makes me sad that my boys and I have to do this alone. Don't get me wrong, there are TONS of people around us who love and support us, but THESE people deserved to be here, and when my babies stand in front of others to perform a Christmas program, I can't help that think that life isn't fair, and chocolate will make that better.

I miss them a lot, and I take it out on the cookies, popcorn, etc. this time of year. It doesn't help that my dad loved to cook and it was part of the holiday tradition to make tons of stuff and to EAT it all through December. We would generally have no less than 16 types of cookies on the table in December, and when one would run out, he would stock it with something new. He loved to make goodies for us, and I guess a little bit of me feels like if I don't taste that in December some of the memories may slip away.

So, for 10 more days my hips may get wider, but it's not over for me. Although painful parts of my journey are because of them, I do take this journey to change the outcome for my kids, so twenty years from now I can still be toting them around to see Christmas lights, or watching Christmas movies with them. I journey because of all of them, and this black hole will not get me as long as I can see their faces.


  1. Thanks alot, I am sobbing the can't catch my breath; ugly cry. I miss them so much :( and LOVE you so much. You can do it sister

  2. {{{Mandy}}} I can't even imagine losing my parents, and it makes me tear up even just attempting to. Its excruciatingly painful, and my heart goes out to you Emotional eating gets such a bad wrap, but I think there are times when eating and enjoying food does help us connect with family... both those that are with us, and those who aren't. Let yourself do what you need to do to get through this holiday season... both happy and sad... and then pick it back up again in January, like you said. You ran a friggin' half-marathon this year, girl! You DESERVE to eat for an entire month! :)

  3. Yeah, I don't know. I really feel for you about the loss of your parents. It is horrible. I cannot get on board with weight gain and emotional eating though. I do it. I splurge. I do think you should eat and be merry at Christmas as best as you can. But I am not going to say it is okay to gain twenty pounds. Not coming from where you and I have come from. I am pulling for you though.