Update!

Not a ton to say...

The treadmill is great. I think I am going to log my miles this year for the fun of it. (I am sure I will forget, but it sounds fun in theory!)

The eating went really well last week. I am still so frustrated that I can eat well for 6 days, take one day off, and gain all of the weight back... is that humanly possible? I get so frustrated, and go into an instant funk. I have got to stop weighing for awhile I think. That is all there is to it.

Such a boring post, but trying to stay accountable!

D@#n You Holiday Cookies!

Well, God must be granting me some grace this week. I really have had some steps in the right direction... but last night I had to bake 7 dozen batches of cookies for a holiday cookie swap tonight. Then I started thinking, why?

Why am I subjecting myself and family to all of the delicious sugar that we call a Christmas cookie? I made them. I tasted a few, but overall... I've done much worse. And tonight I am going to bring 72 beautiful, delicious bits of love into the house. Then what?

Laying in bed last night (my head didn't hit the pillow until 2 am) I was thinking, "I just won't weigh in the morning." I've decided that I need to give myself a little breathing room for mistakes... but my obsessive personality got the best of me, and I still lost a bit more weight yesterday, even after a couple cookies. (This is not permission to eat 72 more!)

Now, I just need a plan for all of those cookies...

PS... Treadmill is being put together as we speak!!!!! With a late night tonight, and a busy day tomorrow, I am so excited to see how this goes. I am ready to put the plan into action.

How is Today Going to be Different?

It's been a good week. I don't want to raise my hopes too much, but this time it does feel different. Maybe I was ready. Maybe I hit rock bottom. Maybe having a support system helps...I know that for sure.

So after my blog rant Sunday afternoon, I thought a lot about changes. Besides myself, what was keeping me from meeting my goal.

I identified 2 things that I needed to change:

1. They always so to go into your day with a plan, and I realized that I had no food plan each day. I was waking up hungry, trying to get kids ready for school, etc, etc, and I just grabbed anything. Same story second verse at lunch. By dinner I had blown my meal non-plan out the window, that dinner and snacks didn't even matter. So here is my plan: On Mondays, I am going to fix a really LARGE healthy meal. (This week I made a chicken, black bean, tomato stuffing of sorts that I have been putting on a whole grain tortilla.) I take the LARGE meal, eat it once for dinner, and then I have leftovers for lunch the rest of the week. Then, when in a pinch, I have something to fall back on.

2. The gym has become a problem. The first time I lost weight, I was just there... all.the.time. I am having a hard time with that in my head. So look what Santa brought me:

It's AWESOME!!!!! It is being delivered on Friday morning, and I really hope on cold nights, or early mornings I can grab a few minutes on it. I still plan more time in the gym. Now I just don't have to spend all my time in the gym!

So there is a quick update. Thanks for your kind words. I didn't realize it, but I have missed this.

Nothing Witty

At this point I don't really know what to title this post. Nothing cute or witty comes to me. That's just not my mood about all of this. I have gone down a dark road the past year or so, and it has come back to bite me in the ass. If I am an addict, I would call this a relapse. If I were on Biggest Loser ever, Bob Harper would be beating my door down for some "Where Are They Now?" specials to rip me up one side and down another about how I have gained some (too much, but not all) of the weight back, and asking me how I was going to change.

I NEVER thought I would be here. I thought I was stronger and more centered than this, but I am not. In fact, what I am quickly learning about myself is that I have no balance in my life. I go and go and go until I burn out. I am the person who will not let you down... case in point... I was up until 3 am on Thursday fulfilling commitments to others, then getting up 3.5 hours later to not let someone else down...leaving myself too exhausted for "me".

So what happened? Well, anything I write from this point on is merely an excuse, but it is also my reality... So, in May of 2010, my dad became ill, and I spent many days in the hospital watching him die. I ate... cafeteria food... comfort food... really bad for me. He died, and before leaving the hospital me and a group of people stopped at the cafeteria "one last time for cake and pie". At this same time I lost many of my workout buddies (whatever, I have no comment on this...if you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all). By the time the dust had settled, I was hanging on by a thread. I trained for my half marathon, and the goal helped me, but when that was over, things just fell apart. For the next few months my motivation would waiver back and forth until I broke my foot in June. 14 weeks in a cast did me in. I started seeing things differently, and I began to feel hopeless. (I know... this post is not a bag of sunshine)

That brings us to today. I have never lost sight of the feeling of being thin again. I want it. I really do. I still weigh every morning, but instead of glee, I cry. Then I try to change things, and I fail...

I would love to call this a re commitment, a rebirth, a renewal of vows to live healthy, and exercise, and to change (again), but I don't know what tomorrow brings. I think I have to do the three things I have been dreading the most though:

1) Admitting this to myself and my friends... as if it's a secret that I am fat again?!? In my head it's like I am hiding, but I know everyone knows.

2) Writing my first post on here again: I think this is hard to admit to so many people who cheered me on.

3) Returning to the gym and the things I love to do. I know I will be talked about behind my back. People will gasp internally, then politely ask me how I am or tell me they have missed me. It's tough knowing that will happen, but I am going to have to put on my tough skin and move forward again. Going to the gym the first time was hard. I was the fat girl, but I transformed, and people watched that... I am dreading the return, and I hate myself so much more this time around.

I can't change if I keep letting these fears hold me back. I can't keep burying my fears, and worries in food... hoping it will all go away. It won't. So there it is. Still nothing witty to say. I am just going to hit publish now, before I hit delete... which would be much easier.