Nothing Witty

At this point I don't really know what to title this post. Nothing cute or witty comes to me. That's just not my mood about all of this. I have gone down a dark road the past year or so, and it has come back to bite me in the ass. If I am an addict, I would call this a relapse. If I were on Biggest Loser ever, Bob Harper would be beating my door down for some "Where Are They Now?" specials to rip me up one side and down another about how I have gained some (too much, but not all) of the weight back, and asking me how I was going to change.

I NEVER thought I would be here. I thought I was stronger and more centered than this, but I am not. In fact, what I am quickly learning about myself is that I have no balance in my life. I go and go and go until I burn out. I am the person who will not let you down... case in point... I was up until 3 am on Thursday fulfilling commitments to others, then getting up 3.5 hours later to not let someone else down...leaving myself too exhausted for "me".

So what happened? Well, anything I write from this point on is merely an excuse, but it is also my reality... So, in May of 2010, my dad became ill, and I spent many days in the hospital watching him die. I ate... cafeteria food... comfort food... really bad for me. He died, and before leaving the hospital me and a group of people stopped at the cafeteria "one last time for cake and pie". At this same time I lost many of my workout buddies (whatever, I have no comment on this...if you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all). By the time the dust had settled, I was hanging on by a thread. I trained for my half marathon, and the goal helped me, but when that was over, things just fell apart. For the next few months my motivation would waiver back and forth until I broke my foot in June. 14 weeks in a cast did me in. I started seeing things differently, and I began to feel hopeless. (I know... this post is not a bag of sunshine)

That brings us to today. I have never lost sight of the feeling of being thin again. I want it. I really do. I still weigh every morning, but instead of glee, I cry. Then I try to change things, and I fail...

I would love to call this a re commitment, a rebirth, a renewal of vows to live healthy, and exercise, and to change (again), but I don't know what tomorrow brings. I think I have to do the three things I have been dreading the most though:

1) Admitting this to myself and my friends... as if it's a secret that I am fat again?!? In my head it's like I am hiding, but I know everyone knows.

2) Writing my first post on here again: I think this is hard to admit to so many people who cheered me on.

3) Returning to the gym and the things I love to do. I know I will be talked about behind my back. People will gasp internally, then politely ask me how I am or tell me they have missed me. It's tough knowing that will happen, but I am going to have to put on my tough skin and move forward again. Going to the gym the first time was hard. I was the fat girl, but I transformed, and people watched that... I am dreading the return, and I hate myself so much more this time around.

I can't change if I keep letting these fears hold me back. I can't keep burying my fears, and worries in food... hoping it will all go away. It won't. So there it is. Still nothing witty to say. I am just going to hit publish now, before I hit delete... which would be much easier.